#StudyinginBeijingproblems

Sometimes a day doesn't start so well and ends well. Sometimes a day starts out very well and doesn't end so well.

Today was the latter.

The weather was truly beautiful today, due to the huge thunderstorm from last night. The skies were clear and blue, it was sunny and warm, and there was a breeze. Work at my internship didn't seem as long and tedious as it usually does, and I had a pretty good lunch (noodle soup with pork and a few pieces of bok choy) at a random restaurant.

My friend in this program told me that the depression of culture shock comes after a high of excitement. I think I pretty much followed that today. When I was on the bus on the way back to campus, I was with two other interns: one American-born Chinese guy from my program, and one Chinese girl who was born in China. The Chinese guy can speak Chinese fluently, so of course they chatted in Chinese while I listened. I could pick up some of it, but mostly I just listened and guessed and asked some questions in English if I was sure I knew what they were talking about. But mostly, I just felt left out.

It's not exactly a new feeling for me. Because I can't speak Vietnamese or understand it, I'm always left out when my relatives or other Vietnamese people around me speak Vietnamese to each other. But in those cases, my sister is usually with me, and she doesn't speak Vietnamese either. We usually end up talking to each other or (in the case of some dinners) just leaving and doing our own thing. It's ok to be alone if you're alone with someone else.

Not in this case. There's something very alone about being in a country of people who look like you but speak a language you don't know. You blend in, but feel apart. Usually when that happens I'm with another American who doesn't speak Chinese, but on the bus, there was no one else.

And then when I got back to campus, none of my friends were free to have dinner with me (they had class or I couldn't contact them). I tagged along with the Chinese-American guy and we had dinner with one of his friends (they both go to the same university in the US). Afterwards, we went back to the dorm and chatted with their friends (all of whom go to the same university). They knew each other before the program, so they're good friends already. I just listened and took it all in, but not having anything to contribute. The problem is that many students in my program go to the same school because their school originally created the program. A lot of the students knew each other already. I, on the other hand, had to make new friends right away (something that has always been difficult for me). I don't have that kind of easy-going comraderie, something that I realized when I observed them talking to each other and bantering.

Add on the issues that 1) I couldn't do much-needed laundry because I don't have the 1 yuan coins needed to operate the machines and it's too late to get them now, 2) when I asked my roommate where to get the 1 yuan coins (I've never seen them here, only the 1 yuan bills), she acted like it was obvious so I felt stupid (if there's one thing I don't like, it's feeling stupid because intelligence is my only advantage in life and the only thing I can do well), 3) I have a ton of homework to do and no time to do it (while other students are going out and partying every night somehow), 4) I'm behind in Chinese because an email that my teacher sent last week never reached me so I didn't learn everything I needed to know for the last class, and 5) I haven't had enough sleep because I've been studying late and waking up early for class or my internship.

When everything piles up like that, it's daunting. It's depressing. And if there's another thing I really don't like, it's feeling sad. My default emotion is neutral optimism (it's safe), usually leaning towards cheerfulness or reaching excitement when I'm with my close friends and I know they won't reject me if I act too weird (here, there aren't a lot of options for friends so I try to be careful not to lose the ones I have). But I rarely do anger. I rarely do sadness. I do frustration pretty well, but that's usually followed by sadness unless I pick myself up again to neutral optimism. I have learned from family, friends, and other people that extreme emotions (anger, depression, etc.) can be toxic to the person and/or the people around that person. My life, and the lives of the people around me, doesn't need more drama or stress. Somebody has to be dependable. Somebody has to be that person who doesn't emotionally throw up on other people. That somebody is almost always me.

I was going to write about my new language partner, my classes, my internship, and going out last weekend, but I'll have to save that for another post.